Trigger warning: Silly people (Mike Cernovich riff)

I had been thinking about doing a post on some of the ridiculousness you get online around who is and is not an “alpha male”, and how YOU TOO, male reader, can be one.

That, at any rate, is my excuse for why I was poking around in blogs run by nutty right-wing “Mens’ Rights”-types. And it was there, specifically on the blog of nutty right-wing “Men’s Rights”-type Mike Cernovich, that I found something far more interesting – a post so silly it demanded a riffing. So here it is, with the bits from his post in bold.

First, a link to the post. As no-one reads my blog anyway, I’m pretty relaxed about the risk of increasing the Mikester’s traffic, and hence income. Link

By the way, if you’re wondering why he keeps calling people “cucks” (short for “cuckolds”), it’s because this has become the term of abuse of choice for US Republicans who support Donald Trump (like Mr C) to use against Republicans who do. My two-year old niece is less childish than these people, and yesterday she was insisting on lying across her chair at the dining table because she didn’t want to sit on it.

“Ben Howe regularly appears on CNN and FoxNews as an expert on politics and policy. Yet the image he portrays on TV is false…”

(What, so he’s really a complete idiot? And him a conservative talking-head off American TV too; I’m truly shocked.)

“…which I suspected once he called Melania Trump (who speaks five languages) a whore. People like Howe are always hiding something.”

(GRRR THOSE PEOPLE!!!YOU KNOW, THE ONES LIKE THAT!!! Also, are multi-lingual women now somehow incapable of promiscuity and unfaithfulness, or being professional sex workers? But I digress, and anyway, I do actually agree Howe shouldn’t have said this.)

“Howe was left by his wife for not being a strong leader in their relationship.”

(Apparently, some women will now end their marriages for the same reasons that company boards sometimes sack the CEO or political parties get rid of their leaders. Great work, Mike, you’ve now established Mrs Howe is as weird as Mr Howe. Well, you would have if you’d produced some convincing evidence that this was actually her motivation (he hasn’t and doesn’t)).

“Shockingly, his wife announced their divorce in a Starbucks…”

(“Ugh, how mainstream, all the cool people tell their spouses they’re about to divorce them at Dunkin’ Donuts!”)

“…prompting a casual observer to hand Howe $100.”

(“Dammit, son, that was the most exciting thing to happen in this shitty coffee shop for years. Take it, you’ve earned it!”)

“His wife also wrote about their divorce on the liberal Huffington Post.”

(“Oh, what, so Breitbart isn’t good enough for you to discuss your personal life on now! I always knew you were trouble, lady!”)

“Is making family drama public “true conservatism”?”

(I think that’s called the “No True Scotsman” fallacy, Mike.)

“Rather than improve his life, Howe has begun castrating himself on Twitter, announcing to the world that he is a cuck.”

(Boringly, he appears to mean “castrating himself” in a symbolic rather than a literal sense (admit it, you’d at least be tempted to read a right-wing pundit’s castration live-blog). But what’s all this “improve his life” stuff? Does Cernovich think that Howe should respond to his divorce by getting a job, starting to work out and going on a diet? Or does he just mean “improve his life by starting to agree with my opinions on Trump”?)

“While it may seem like I’m about to humiliate Howe, this is for the greater good.”

(HAHAHAHAHA – “While it may seem like I’m about to shove you and your family in a cattle truck that will convey you to a horrible death, because I am, this is for the greater good.” Great work, Mike, I’m totally convinced by your justification for your actions.)

“Gorilla Mindset can help him improve his life.”

(Apart from being a good name for a band, Gorilla Mindset is Cernovich’s book, presumably on how to make yourself more manly through practising vegetarianism, having a small penis and often being the helpless and terrified victim of weaker but better armed poachers. You know, like male gorillas. And, yes, Cernovich is a shameless self-promoter.)

A lot of quoting tweets that evidence Howe’s badness, and repetition of points already made, follows, but it includes a couple of gems:-

“Mrs Trump is a well-educated woman who speaks five languages. Why call her a whore? It’s not as if she began drawing attention to herself?”(sic)

(“I mean, if she were one of those poorly-educated, attention-seeking broads, calling her a whore would be perfectly OK!”)

Incidentally, if you’re now wondering what the all-important Five Languages of Melania Trump are, her Wikipedia page states them as Slovenian, English, French, German and Serbo-Croat.

This becomes a bit less impressive when you realise that she is from Slovenia (where they speak Slovenian), which was at the time in Yugoslavia (where the most widely-spoken language was Serbo-Croat) and now lives in the US (principal language: English). As for French and German, I did a few years of both at school, although I think it would be pushing it to say I “spoke” them. I think what this point mainly proves is that Mrs Trump once went to school, emigrated to the US and isn’t too stupid to pick up a foreign language.

“Ben Howe’s ex-wife made their personal drama public. (Otherwise, I’d never write about it).”

(HAHAHAHAHA – you’re such a nice guy overall, Mike, I completely believe in your reluctance to smear your political opponents!)

Then follows the weirdest comment, although perhaps not given its coming from a leading figure of the “manosphere”:-

(Of Mrs Howe) “Signs of her lack of respect showed early, with her tweeting out that men should be dominant. Anyone who understands relationships knows this was a cry for help. She was hinting to Howe that he needed to provide masculine leadership. He did not.”

(Yup, sending a tweet to the effect that men should be dominant in marriage sounds shockingly disrespectful to her husband to me. He should have turned her over his knee immediately for that kind of insult, then sent her back to the kitchen to make some sandwiches.

Also, here’s the obsession with “leadership” again – what does Cernovich think marriage is, the Normandy landings? As far as I could ever tell, most of it’s discussions about when to do the shopping, what’s on telly this evening and how the kids are doing at school. Does he expect men to go all General Patton about what colour to paint the bathroom?)

“What sort of man is divorced in public?”

(All the ones that get divorced? After all, you usually have to go through (public) court proceedings and more or less all your family and friends are going to have to be told eventually, not to mention a variety of people not so close to you – employers/work colleagues, your bank, your lawyer…)

“Why is this drama being posted on Twitter? This is humiliating, and clearly Howe’s ex-wife wanted to ridicule him.”

(WHY IS THIS DRAMA BEING POSTED ON YOUR WEBSITE? Oh, yeah, because it’s humiliating to Howe, and you wanted to ridicule him.)

“Ben Howe was sued for unpaid debt.”

(DA-DA-DAAAA! Judging by the list of court actions Cernovich produces, most of the being sued was someone, presumably the bank, repeatedly trying to foreclose on the mortgage, presumably because Howe couldn’t pay it. Cernovich claims this as evidence of hypocrisy because Howe had previously criticised other people for being made bankrupt. He may well be right, but he’s in a weak position to accuse other people of hypocrisy after all his own earlier hypocritical statements).

“Ben Howe’s meltdown led him to cuck himself. Rather than improve his life, Howe has become a Hillary Clinton supporter.”

(OH, THE HUMANITY! And again, “improve his life.” “You’re voting for Clinton? Bro, do you even lift?” And again, “cuck.” “His meltdown has led him to be a big smelly poo-head, so yah-boo-sucks to him!”)

“Ben Howe has threatened to sue me for defamation…He has taken his rage out on me rather than improve himself.”

(“A vague, unlikely-sounding threat of legal action by a person on the internet who’ll never follow up on it? UNPRECEDENTED!” And yet more repetition of the same phrases – this “style” is so peculiar, I can’t decide if Cernovich is (a) on the autistic spectrum (b) convinced his audience are such idiots that constantly reiterating a few points is all they can cope with or (c) a gorilla who has mastered basic English.

“Can Gorilla Mindset save Ben Howe?…If Ben Howe reads and applies Gorilla Mindset his life will improve 100%.”

(Got to get that all important plug in! Personally, if the book’s as badly written as the post is, I wouldn’t read it if I were paid to. It would almost certainly make my life 100% worse, probably by driving me to end it).

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for this post, which is not only ridiculously long, but, thanks to its subject matter, will have reduced your IQ merely by the act of reading it. Because Mike Cernovich’s post is that ridiculous. The author, everyone it is about and everyone who has read it should probably have their “Responsible Adult” pass revoked and be asked to clear their desks and leave the Grown-up People’s Building. As that includes me, I must bid you farewell.



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