How arts review programmes could be made more interesting

PRESENTER – Hello, and welcome to Culture Vulture. I’m Roger Merear, and this evening our guest reviewers will be potter Grayson Perry, writer Bidisha, the art critc of Nuts Norman Sproggit and…James Mobbs? Yeah, I’ve never heard of him either. We were going to get Will Self, but he says it’s his tae kwondo class this evening. Anyway, hello, everyone!
GUESTS – Hello!
PRESENTER – Er…James…sorry, but I feel I have to ask you…why have you turned up dressed as Napoleon?
ME – Well, Roger, that’s a good question which I fully intend to answer. However, first, could I ask Grayson why he’s turned up dressed as what looks like Shirley Temple?
GRAYSON – Certainly – as everyone who’s read the various articles or interviews I’ve given on the subject will know, this is the way I often dress as an expression of my sexual identity.
ME – Fair enough, Grayson. Well, my ideal identity is as the Emperor Napoleon, so I’ve come dressed as him. And since no-one on the panel dares laugh their head off when a middle aged guy rocks up looking like a child actress from the 1930s, I’m sure no-one will find it remotely funny that I’m wearing a big hat , boots and ludicrously tight white britches on the telly.
GRAYSON – Right on, daddy-o!
(UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE, AS THE OTHERS TRY TO SUPPRESS THEIR DESIRE TO LAUGH AT THEM, AND WONDER WHY GRAYSON PERRY IS SUDDENLY TALKING LIKE A BEATNIK)
PRESENTER – …OK. Well, let’s move on to the first thing we’re reviewing, which is the latest film from director Ridley Scott. A definite change from some of his previous blockbusters such as Alien, Gladiator or Robin Hood, this one is Best Foot Forward, a heartwarming rom com with Jennifer Anniston and Gerald Butler. Will they get together or not ? Norman Sproggit?
NORMAN – You’re right this is different from Ridley Scott’s previous films, largely because it sucks like a Hoover on steroids. Someone in Hollywood must have blackmail photos of him, as this is the only logical explanation of why he would have agreed to direct this girly farrago instead of someone blowing stuff up.  However, it has got Jennifer Anniston in it so, if you are male, you can at least console yourself with looking at her. She is still hot and will appear in Nuts’ MILF Underwear Special next week.
BIDISHA – That’s absolutely typical of the kind of crass sexist objectification of women that I’ve spent my whole career fighting against, as by the way is this lousy film! Women are only important because they might be a sexual partner for some cheesy man.
PRESENTER – James?
ME- (PAUSE) Bidisha…Look, you appear on telly a lot and there’s something that’s been concerning me a bit. Why don’t you have a surname? And why does no-one ever ask you why you don’t have a surname?
BIDISHA – Oh, that. That’s because, whilst I pretend to be a very right-on arts journalism type, I am in fact wanted by police in half-a-dozen countries under my real name for a series of chillingly efficient bank heists. That, plus the fact my real surname is Shufflebottom.
(EVERYONE GIGGLES)
BIDISHA – God damn it, the laughter, always the same! Are you suprised I’m so angry? Anyway, no-one ever asks me because when you’re Indian you can do any kind of weird shit you like and posh white guys will just assume its connected to your crazy minority culture somehow. I once got the entire editorial staff of "The Face" to eat my mother-in-law.
PRESENTER – …Right. Anyway, we also visited the Snort Fluggelsson retrospective at Tate Modern. A Swede, Fluggelsson is known for photocopying his own genitals, calling all the works thus produced "Untitled" and then going home to smoke a massive government-subsidised doobie. Was everyone feeling all the love in the room?
GRAYSON – I dug it the most, you cats.
BIDISHA – I was feeling all the nice air conditioning on a hot day, especially given the fact that we all went around a preview so there was no-one there apart from other critics.
NORMAN – I was feeling the woman stamping everyone’s tickets. Forget the day, she was hot. What a boring job to be stuck with.
PRESENTER – …James?
ME – It was utter shit and,from now on, I think I’d prefer to be addressed as Napoleon. Or Your Majesty. Norman, I’m sad to say I think you are not only a sexist but a total fantasist. Coming from me, that should really give you pause for thought. And…Bidisha, why have you suddenly put on shades and a long black coat? And why are you carrying that Gatling mini gun?
BIDISHA – I am no longer Bidisha – but BAD- isha. The time has come to end this farce, and escape to assume another identity and pull off some more bank jobs. No-one will ever laugh at my silly surname again!
EVERYONE ELSE – NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(SOUND OF MINI GUN BLASTING AS BADISHA WASTES THE PANEL) 
 
 
 
 
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